Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Maya's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 12th, 2009
6:24 pm	Reminder to Self Dear Self,                Taking care of yourself is important for being able to take care of the patients, and just as importantly, for the people you love.  So keep working on it.  That means getting back to the journaling as well as keeping trying to improve with the exercise thing.                                                                                                      Love,                                                                                                          Your Self, Still Adjusting (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 21st, 2009
11:06 pm	On Family History and Secrets Tomorrow, I present my genogram to my peers and supervisor at CPE.  And so I spent quite a while on the phone with my parents (while on the greyhound back to Syracuse from Rochester, at that) talking about family history and family dynamics and the like.  And I spent a good while drawing it all out.  I was rather amazed at some of the patterns that appear and then stop- it's really quite powerful.  There are some rather nasty family issues a couple of  generations back- things that I never knew about as a kid, and only started to hear bits about around when I left for college.  And my grandparents made them irrelevant to my life- I really feel like they never touched me.  It's a sort of quiet heroism that makes me think differently about what was already always presented as a beautiful although always reasonable and human relationship.  Talking to Dad about it all also gave me a much richer image of what his childhood, growing up with his grandmother living with them, was like.  It also made me much more aware of how connected certain parts of the family have been, and exactly where there are "broken links".  The last time there was contact with my maternal grandfather's sister was when my mother was a child.  We don't know a thing about her life since then, and that's a story that I really don't know at all.  On the other hand, on my father's side, I had real relationships with certain of my second cousins as a child, and we have a connection with at least one of my third cousins and her parents.  I'm amazed at some of the inconsistencies of connection and texture.  When I asked about family tensions, one of the first things that was mentioned was the "black sheep" of the family from my great-grandmother's generation, on Dad's side.  Mom's side has always been much more open about such things- the tensions have always been apparent, and very thickly textured and on-going, while on Dad's side, they seem to be Stories.  I'm really interested to see how I feel and what more I notice as I present it all.   I've also gone back and forth several times about whether or not I draw jakal88 in.  Even if we don't marry, he's a Significant relationship, and I rather want to- he's a major part of my life, but it also feels like I'm presuming on something that isn't a sure thing.  I mean, there's a way to notate relationships that aren't marriages, but I also feel superstitious about it.  Maybe that reaction is something worth noting in and of itself.  (Speaking of, we had a nice weekend together, fairly quiet, as he is still getting over being sick.  However, we had his lab-mates over for Shabbat dinner, which was quite nice: thank goodness, I liked them and seemingly vice versa as well.  My one down point for the weekend was being at the bookstore waiting for jakal88 to get a haircut, him coming to meet me, and some guy started talking to him about sci-fi, and would not listen to a word I said, and I know plenty about the genre myself.  It was really infuriating- I didn't even realize how angry I was about it until afterwards, when I snapped at jakal88 for something completey absurd.  I was just Really put off by being ignored- and jakal88 was really trying to help me be part of the conversation, too.  It was really quite odd and uncomfortable.  But the rest of the weekend was lovely, although it felt very short.) (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
7:36 pm	A Weekend in Syracuse, Or In Which We Brave A Visit to Chabad jakal88 and I spent this weekend at my place.  We had a quiet and relaxing Friday night on our own.  I think the only item of note was that by the time we finished the soup I made, we were full enough to skip the potatoes and go straight to dessert (even though my muffins ended up with flat tops for a second time- I don't know quite what went wrong with them.  Still, they're tasty anyways, so I suppose that's all that matters).   Saturday, however, I decided that I wanted to go to shul, and didn't feel like walking the several miles to either of the vaguely local Conservative shuls.  So we braved the local Chabad house, which was quite an experience.  The women's side of the mechitza contained one other woman and a variety of small and very cute children, barely supervised.  It was also the latest davening I've ever attended- they started at 10:30, officially, and while we were late (not helped by my getting a bit turned around in getting us there, such that we went past the location and had to find our way back), they'd clearly also started late.  So we caught most of davening, including a brief dvar Torah which basically amounted to "why the pesakh sheini is so cool, and why it's here and not with the other Pesakh stuff".  I also got a very cute "Hi, what's your name?" from a 3ish year old named Mendel.  We were predictably invited to stay for lunch.  Lunch started out quiet, and then this guy across the table tried to show me why so many Orthodox folks don't like the idea of women rabbis by advocating that really we shouldn't let discomfort prevent us from doing things that halakha doesn't prohibit by arguing that really liberal Judaism hasn't gone far enough- we should have b'nei noach rabbis.  He also refused to really let me get a word in edgewise, and didn't really listen to my arguments as to why the analogy was a bad one- at least not until I told him that I just didn't think that making an analogy between the difference between men and women and Jews and Non-Jews was a good idea...  It was, at least, humorous, and was easier to take casually since I saw how much whiskey the guy was drinking as we went.  Still, it makes quite a story.  In other news, this weekend also contained trial 2 of our quest to explore jakal88 's interest in salad.  This made a second salad that was a success.  I think I may be one of the world's luckier girlfriends- my boyfriend is willing to try salad and admit appreciating it, cooks and enjoys it, and will even take me to run errands even when they involve possible clothing/shoe shopping (I also got shoes this weekend).  And besides all of that, he has a sense for my taste of books and will loan me his.  *grins*  (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 11th, 2009
6:23 pm	Question in Preparation for My Sister's Wedding  How does one go about finding/buying/making a chuppah?  I'm having a feeling that my sister and her fiance are not real likely to be interested in the tallis option.  I imagine that making one could also just involve some dowels with nails on top and a piece of fabric with loops, but if we did want to buy/rent one, how would we find such a thing?  If we were to make them one, does anyone have any tips?  My parents sent me the question, and so I in turn am asking you... (22 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
10:45 pm	On Homework CPE homework is an interesting experience, thus far.  First off, on nice days, I've been tending to stop in the park on my way home and get at least some of my homework done there.  That makes it a rather pleasant experience, and cuts down on distractions, besides the loveliness of the park.  It also means that when I get home, I have much less to need to remember to do- mostly things that involve writing on the computer, which makes home-time much more relaxing.  Having my place to stop and work on the way home makes it easier to carry out, rather than coming home and then needing to make a decision to go somewhere else afterward, which was generally what has gotten me trapped in attempts to do work in the library or beit midrash, in the past.  Secondly, it's very personally focused stuff, and it doesn't pretend to be anything else.  A lot of the time in rab school, when I get something that requires personal reflection and insight, it felt like it was asking too much of me, because that wasn't what the course was supposed to be about, or the teacher never acknowledged that the assignment was supposed to involve reflection.  Therefore, I'd get resentful, and not do a good job.  Here, it's explicit and I signed up for it, which makes a big difference for me.  I think that it also helps that here, spending time on reflection is really valued, and doesn't just make you "one of those people rabbis" who aren't any good at Gemara...  I'm in the midst of an assignment right now that I'm having a hard time managing.  I'm supposed to pick two phrases from a list, and finish the thought, with the instruction to pick the two that are the most difficult or scary to answer.  Well, I've looked at the exercise twice now, and I just don't know where to start.  I've done the other exercises in the reading, and although I'd like to think one of them over some more, I've come up with answers. Here, I'm just stuck, and I know that if I can get myself past the "stuck", I'll learn really important things about myself.  However, so far, all I can manage is to stare at the book, mystified.  It's very frustrating, and I don't know how to get "un-stuck" on this one.   (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 31st, 2009
7:48 pm	Shavuot Adventures Wednesday night, which feels like an awfully long time ago now, was my first night as chaplain-on-duty in the Emergency Room.  It was good work, but I was totally exhausted by the time I got home, and went to bed quite early.  So Thursday morning, I got up early so that I could pack for being away for Shavuot, since I did not have a chance to come home between when I was done at the hospital and heading over to where I was staying and going to shul.  Thursday was the first of our days with regular chaplaincy in the morning and education time in the afternoon, which went pretty well, I think.  Then we closed up shop, as it were, and got set to leave- except that I had a bit of freak out about it, before leaving- I was really missing being with friends for yontif, and being in a community with learning at night, etc.  Added to that was some anxiety since the last time I stayed with strangers for shabbos was at the shul-of-doom, and the whole thing had not been so comfortable.  My peers were wonderful about being reassuring, and we eventually set off.   A friend from CPE dropped me and my stuff off where I was staying, and I met my hostess, a lovely older woman with a serious thing for keeping her house clean (This was my first impression.  By the end of the holiday, I'd seen their garden, been shown a bunch of family pictures, including those of their 10 grandchildren, heard her sing the songs she'd written for pre-school aged children and the one she'd done for her husband's 50th birthday, suggested a use for left-over asparagus, and been invited back along with jakal88 so that her husband could take him for a walk in the back yard and ask about his intentions...)  We headed to shul, where I found my supervisor and one of my peers.  The other (the one who'd dropped me off) showed up a bit later with her two daughters (who were quite adorable).  There was a shul dinner before davening, I think purposefully without bread which was good for the not being supposed to have a "real meal" before services thing, but also meant that there was no seudah that night, which felt awkward, for me.  As we were shmoozing, my colleague, who is studying to be a Catholic priest, seemed to blend in quite well- some people seemed to meet him and asume that I was connected with him, rather than there on my own, although that is my own perception, not something I can prove.  He stuck it out through the service (rather left-wing for my tastes, as was all the davening, but at least the congregation was remarkably friendly, which helped my comfort levels a lot), and the "learning" afterwards.  Said learning consisted of 5 congregants talking about a mitzvah that was particularly significant to them, and then a discussion of what mitzvah meant to people in general.  It was an interesting presentation and discussion, but didn't feel like substantial learning to me.  Between the lack of learning and the fact that pretty much all the davening was done with Shabbos nusakh, a lot of the time it felt more like an extended shabbat than like a holiday.   Staying with these folks was quite nice though- they took good care of me, and reminded me a bit of my grandparents- especially the wife of the couple.  The style of the holiday may not have been what I really wanted, but it was a comfortable time, once I settled in, and even if there were some pushy moments- mostly about how good it is to get married and have children, and how jakal88 sounds like a keeper, I should really marry him- it was good to be taken care of for a couple of days.   (Comment on this)
Monday, May 25th, 2009
8:45 pm	A Nice Long Weekend, Or Travel in Upstate NY I had a lovely long weekend at jakal88 's place.  We had a quiet Shabbat together, which was very relaxing. It was very comforting to be able to spend Shabbat in a familiar environment after a week of everything being brand new, no matter how interesting all the new stuff has been.  Sunday we went to see the new Star Trek movie (which I enjoyed, although I had a hard time accepting some of the characters as potentially growing into the characters we already know, and there were a few technological inconsistencies), and then jakal88 was quite lovely and took me to go dance for a while, while he hung out and read.  We came back to his place, and had a late dinner, afterward.  The travel to and from Rochester was its own brand new experience.  The actual train was, of course, quite familiar, but getting there and back were new.  On the way there, I tried to find bus directions and the trip planner on the website was no cooperating, so I gave in a took a cab.  I think the cabs here are even more expensive than they are most places, oddly enough.  Maybe I was evaluating the distance inaccurately, but the fare was rather more than I was expecting, and the cab driver had his dispatcher in the car and they spent the whole time talking about what they used to do in the summer as kids, and where the best stores in Syracuse were 25 years ago.   So before I left Rochester, I tried the trip planner again, and this time it gave me a couple options for buses.  So I wrote them down, and stopped at the local bus counter to get some schedules and a bus card.  The people at the bus counter were slow, and didn't seem to have a real concept of serving customers in order, but they were friendly and well-meaning.  However, when it came to understanding that I might understand how to read a bus schedule, I just didn't know the area yet, they were pretty confused.  I tried to get their advice as to which schedules would be useful for me where I lived, which seemed to confuse them, but eventually we came up with a few schedules.  After that adventure, I stepped outside to wait for the bus.  Well, the next bus going where I needed to go had none of the numbers that I'd been led to expect either from the schedule or the internet, but did get me to the place where I needed to make a transfer.  From there, I asked some folks to help me find the right side of the street to find the bus I wanted, and one of them asked where I was going, which was a good thing, since she helped me find another bus that took me to the same stop which came well before the one I thought I needed to wait for came.  The whole system seems pretty messed up to me thus far.  Perhaps it will start to make more sense as I see more of it, but for now, it seems pretty incomprehensible.  If a general bus map existed (maybe it does I just haven't found one yet), it would be really useful to see... Tomorrow morning I need to get to work quite early, as we're going to a training on end of life related issues, along with about a quarter of the 3rd year medical students.  It should be an interesting (if long) day.  Then Wednesday night will be my first evening on (we're required to do one evening a week in the ER- that's a pretty scary concept for me, but we'll see how it goes.  It's part of what I signed up for, and I'll learn to manage it.).  (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
4:49 pm	Dancing In Syracuse Last night I got myself (on foot, on the way there) to the international folk dance session in Syracuse.  It was rather a long walk (about 2 miles), but a nice one, in lovely weather.  I was a bit concerned about the walk home in the dark, but once I got there, the people made sure that I'd have a ride home.  It was an extremely friendly group of folks- I got introduced to everyone in the room as they showed up (not that I remember most of their names).  I'm sure that they have their own internal politics that I'll find out about over time, but to come in as someone new, they did an incredible job of being welcoming.  (I suppose that the fact that I'm young and already know how to dance already helped.)  The dancing itself was fairly easy, and I'm sure that by the end of the summer there will be some dances that I'm sick of, but a number of them were quite nice, and it'll be a good thing to know a bit of.  Rather amusingly, I got incorporated into the evening's announcements, including telling the group that I'd need a ride home when I came, between the weekly stuff and a discussion of what would be taught next week.  It was a nice ego boost, and good to start finding some folks to know in the area besides my CPE group and teacher. I got driven home by an older lady with a convertible- a definite first for me.  She was quite sweet if slightly naive- she talked about starting to come to dancing because she thought it would be a chance to do more dancing like she'd gotten the chance to do at "ethnic weddings"...  It was sort of cute. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
6:16 pm	CPE Day 2, Or When the Culture Shock Set In Today was exhausting- excellent, but tiring in a variety of ways.  This morning began with training on the communication devices that we use- they're somewhere in between hands-free cell phones and glorified walkie-talkies.  They're actually pretty nifty, and I don't feel anywhere near as stupid or silly using one as I thought that I would.  So for the rest of the summer, I'll be walking around during the work-day with a  4 inch plastic thing around my neck, but they feel sort of reassuring, rather like a necklace that weighs on your chest a little.   [Interruption: jakal88 just called to make sure I got into the apartment alright.  It's such a lovely thing, knowing that he's thinking about me, even though he's almost certainly still in the lab...) After the training, we did a tour of some more of the hospital.  While I know that at this point, that tour wouldn't help me actually navigate the hospital, I know that later, it'll help me put the pieces together.  We didn't finish the tour, but it was a valiant start.  We stopped early so we could be on time for noon-time worship. Noon worship was where my culture shock hit.  That it was in a circle and had no fixed liturgy, I could deal with just fine- different from my usual, but since it's a different format, that was pretty easy to accept.  That it was also being televised inside the hospital was a bit unnerving, but fairly easy to mostly ignore.  However, we were all handed cards with people's prayers to read, which I thought was lovely, except that we needed to end each one with "we pray to the Lord" and everyone responded "Lord hear our prayer".  It was lovely- but it felt Very, Very Christian.  And yes, I was the only non-Christian in the room, so I get that that's normal and good.  However, getting up the courage to read and remember that format, which I'm pretty sure (from my peers' reactions and from the one mass that I saw) is a very normal format for the other folks in the room was quite difficult for me, especially since I was having a hard time focusing on the prayer itself, reading it fluidly, the appropriate ways to begin and end it, and not feeling like a total phoney.  It was really a lot to handle, even though it seemed like a very simple thing to do.  It was followed by the Lord's Prayer (I listened respectfully- it really is a lovely prayer, and has no actual Content that I have trouble with- just the associations), and a hymn.  The hymn sounded very classically hymn-like, in a way that sounded rather odd to me.  It was interesting to hear and think about, but musically, it was rather uninteresting and yet still sort of hard to follow.  After worship, a referral came in for a rabbi, so our associate rabbi (he also works at the neighboring hospital) was called, and we all followed him through his visit with the family of a dying gentleman.  I'd met him (the rabbi) yesterday, and we'd established that he was also a JTS grad (quite a while ago- he's probably in his late 50s), and that I'd be welcome and was interested in helping him with Erev Shabbat televised services on Fridays aroudn noon.  So I'd met him before, but he's a quiet man, so neither of us struck up a real conversation.  So we went with him to meet the folks, and listened to him talk with them.  It was quite interesting to watch- he used Psalm 23 and a mi sheberach, and I actually saw someone ask "what does Judaism say about..." and him answer.  It was a very different sort of pastoral care than I experienced or heard about last semester, and quite interesting to watch.  It felt very natural, both as far as flow goes and as far as authenticity goes.  Afterwards we had a staff meeting, which was lovely, and a nice chance to meet some of the rest of the chaplaincy staff.  Following that, we did some stuff with learning the relevant paperwork and locations of materials around the office and chapel and then we learned how to use the relevant computer program for documenting our patient visits.  On the walk home, I stopped in the park and had a snack and did a chunk of my reading of our binder with information on our program and the like.  It was gorgeous out, and made focusing on the reading for a while quite easy and pleasant.  I still have more to do, but pretty soon I think I'll maybe go explore the area a little bit- I haven't seen my neighborhood at all yet, besides the path to the hospital... (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 18th, 2009
6:03 pm	First Day of CPE- And the Tsuris Came From Elsewhere I just got home from my first day of CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education, aka hospital chaplaincy training).  The day itself was good- a lot of orientation kinds of stuff, health clearance stuff, and physical fitness testing, because we're participating in a program working on physical wellness in clergy.   Some of the fitness tests were pretty rough- but it felt good afterwards.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow morning, I guess- but so far, so good.   Tomorrow we get some technical training on the computer and communication systems, along with some other stuff.  However, the real challenge of my day happened when I got home.  I went up to my sublet apartment (I'm in a rather nifty 3rd floor walk-up, on the top floor of a rather beat-up house.  The apartment itself is pretty nicely furnished, and generally feels quite friendly.), and found that I could not open the door.  Now, there are 2 doors to this apartment- one at the second floor level, followed by another staircase, and then the door to the apartment itself.  Yesterday, I had some trouble with the second-floor lock, but jakal88  managed to get it open.  This time, I tried to open the upper door, and couldn't get it unlocked at all.  I tried a variety of times, and then tried the other various keys I'd been given, and then tried again.  None of them worked, so I had to call jakal88 to get the contact information for the woman who normally has the apartment and for the super.  First I tried the usual tennant, who told me that the door doesn't actually lock, and that she'd been meaning to get it fixed and hadn't- she marvelled that I'd gotten it to lock in the first place.   She told me to call the super, whom I did call, and then had to sit and wait for, of course.  He tried the same keys that I did, then a variety of others, until finding one that worked- and told me that I hadn't been given the right key at all.  So he's going to leave a copy of the proper key for me tomorrow.  However, given my experiences thus far, I'm going to be Really anxious locking the lower door tomorrow- I've already had trouble with it once (although the usual tennant assured me that she never had any trouble with that one...  I'd try having someone stay inside so that I could test that lock again, except that I don't have anyone around here to ask to do that.  I'm thinking about emailing the friends who'd been entrusted with the apartment keys to give to me, and asking them if they might be willing to come around and do me that favor- but it seems like a lot to ask of a stranger I've met once, and well- tomorrow morning I need to lock the door anyways...  At least I know that that door will give in eventually, if I fuss enough...  Eep.   (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
9:03 am	Phrase of the Day A phrase that caught my fancy while I was fussing around online for a bit: "gratuitous Catholicism". (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 11th, 2009
11:43 pm	Humpf or How To Make an Anti-Climax Tonight was my last night at my usual dance session here in the city before I move, and it was seriously anti-climactic.  It was a night where I managed to find a partner for only one set, and that was because I asked him.  I told the teachers that it was my last night there for quite a while, and they said they'd miss me, but when I walked out about when I usually do- no one noticed.  It was kind of a bummer.  I mean, I talked to a bunch of folks and had some nice conversations, and they did some reasonable dances- but I rather feel like I left (for now) rather as I came in- quite unnoticed.  Now I'm off for over a year, unless I make it to dancing here at some point in August/September if I'm visiting the city, and when I get back, I'll have to start fitting myself in pretty much from scratch all over again, when I never quite finished that process this time around.  It shouldn't be so frustrating, but it really rather is. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
3:21 pm	Frustration and Ambivalence I just got back from a half-hour oral exam that was supposed to start at 2:10.  I arrived, properly, a few minutes before my exam was supposed to start, and as I could hear voices from my teacher's office, I sat down to wait.  After about 15-20 minutes, I contemplating knocking to remind my teacher that I was out there, especially since when we'd scheduled the exam he'd let me know that he had to leave promptly on time so as to pick his daughter up from school.  However, I thought that that was rude, and his previous exam was still going on steadily- I could hear snippets of the conversation which was rather awkward, especially as it turned out that my classmate who preceded me had not done so well in the course.  So I was sitting there, getting rather more nervous as time went on- especially as since I'd thought that he would need to be on time, I didn't bring materials to continue studying or even something to do with my hands.   A bit later, one of the other professors on the floor walked by, having seen me waiting half an hour prior to that, and told me a story about some professor who used to run even more outrageously late during oral exams, and how when one student had knocked on the door since he had to go teach religious school (referred to by the professor talking to me as "afternoon school"), the response was "I'm trying to help your classmate".  Eventually, I went in for my exam between 35 and 40 minutes after my exam was supposed to start- i.e. about when my exam was supposed to have ended.  Once I began, the whole thing went pretty smoothly- I felt like I didn't speak too coherently about some of the secondary readings I was asked about, but apparently I did well enough, since at the end I was told I had done very well and was getting an A for the semester.  I don't know- perhaps I benefited from my classmate's lack of preparation since I looked better in comparison.  I don't think I did badly over the semester, certainly- but I don't think that I gave the class quite as much attention as I probably ought to- I did a lot of the work while on various forms of public transit, or while mashgiaching.  However, I suppose that that's perfectly normal, and I did do the work and participated in class, particularly during the later part of the semester.  So it was a perfectly fine exam.  It was just the waiting beforehand that got me frustrated and rather annoyed- I respect my teachers by showing up to exams on time, if not a bit early so as not to make them wait.  I understand that they have a lot of things to fit in, and sometimes things do not run according to schedule.  But this was the most elongated wait time I've had for an exam, and while I don't expect that teachers have quite the freedom that I have in making sure that I'm on time, well, being aware of quite how late they're running and perhaps popping out to give me some sense of when my exam would actually start would have been well, polite.  Not that my teacher didn't apologize, and he did seem truly unaware of how very late things had run (and this is the same professor who never actually got around to giving us a syllabus for the course)- but it was still a bit thoughtless.   (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
11:51 pm	A Weird Snack, And Other Thoughts 1. Canned green beans with oil and vinegar and a little salt- maybe it's a weird snack, but it was awfully good.  (Perhaps it's just another manifestation of the father-daughter connection: family lore tells me that when Mom and Dad met, Dad was living on a diet that consisted heavily of hot dogs and canned green beans, french style.  Myself, I no longer eat hot dogs, but canned green beans are useful things to have around.)  2.  I'm (once again) in search of plans for Shabbos lunch.  I'd be happy for an invite, or folks with whom to potluck, or for people to invite themselves over to me... 3. Finals are going slowly, but reasonably calmly.  It's just that I have several significantly started, but not quite done yet.  (I'm now done with 2 out of 6 classes, have either started or done significant preparation for 2 more, and started studying for another, leaving only one untouched.  Out of the two I've started, one needs less than an hour's work left, and the other probably about 2 hours.  So really, I'm not doing that badly.)   4. I keep thinking that I have indeed made good progress with my packing, and then I look at all the stuff that I have yet to pack and get rather discouraged.  It's a hard balance to keep, especially since I'm not yet packing anything that's coming with me for the summer, or that I will need in the next 10ish days.  But still- I'm moving in 10 days, and that's starting to feel pretty intimidating. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
11:45 pm	Last Day at the Interfaith Community Since it's unlikely that I'll shlep all the way back to NYC for the closing family day program, today was probably my last day teaching for the Interfaith Community- at least until after I get back from Israel.  I totally wasn't thinking about it until just as we were finishing up teaching our second class for the day- and then it sort of hit me.  Afterwards, talking with my co-teacher and our boss, it certainly did.  My co-teacher and I have taught together for two years now, in which we've had classes that covered, between them grades K-5 (in sections: grades k-1, 1-2, K-4, and 4-5, although not all of those both years), and especially driving home together this year, we've had some really good and interesting conversations, well outside of what we teach.  (Today we talked about how parents react to their own upbringing, and how their kids can react to the parents' reactions, and about feminism among other topics.)  And my boss- well, she's been very supportive and very put-together and focused in a way that really impresses me, especially since she's a volunteer (she's the chapter co-ordinator, and running the religious school program is just one of the things that she does- and she manages to direct a staff of paid teachers without any weirdness about us being paid and her doing this as a labor of love.  I'm sure that it helps that she has an advanced degree and is not working for pay currently, but still, she impresses me.) and not a professional educator.  She also has run really solid and useful teachers' meetings that don't feel like a waste of time.  Perhaps that's the advantage of working in such a small program, but well- I've also taught for another chapter of the same organization, and there there was no such organization and the sorts of events that we sit down, plan and run at this location were disorganized and Strange.  I really am going to miss my kids.  This is the first time in quite a while where I've been teaching somewhere for a couple of years in a row, and combined with it being such a small program, I've really seen my kids grow significantly over the last two years.  They really are, over all, good kids, and I've really enjoyed being with them.  It helped that my older kids, who are normally quiet to the point of being silent, were very thoughtful and even talkative enough to ask a bunch of Really good questions, this time.  It was a really wonderful way to close a school year.  I'm really proud of them, and I even got to say so.  It was a good closing moment for me.  We'll see what my life and schedule look like when I get back from Israel- but I could see myself going back to this job pretty reasonably.  It would be weird teaching with a different co-teacher, since my co-teacher is really finding herself too busy with a real full-time job these days to take on this job as well again, but it might be worth it.  I'm not making any real predictions at this point, but it is nice to feel like there's a job that I'm leaving because I'm leaving the area, not because I don't want the job anymore. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
9:30 pm	Thoughts On Yom HaZikkaron I admire Yom HaZikaron, and the way that Israelis observe it- seriously, that is.  Of course, I think that it is tragic that there are so many losses that there is no choice but to observe it seriously and intentionally, because everyone is seriously, personally hurting.  That goes without saying (I hope).  Nevertheless, every year, I see the observances and think about how problematic it is that just because fewer people in the US of A have such personal losses (which isn't really as true as we want to believe), that we ignore our own holiday, or make it just a day off, for parades and sales.  I think that it's hugely disrespectful- and I'm as guilty of it as the next person, most years.  And then I come back to Yom HaZikaron, and I think about how Jews in America observe this day and not Memorial Day, and it feels like disloyalty to our own country.  At the same time, כל ישראל ערבין זה בזה- the loss of each of those lives is in some way connected to me.  (Yes, I'm being gentle with my use of the principle, but there is a flow of logic behind it.  Anyone to whom you have a responsibility is connected to you...)  So it isn't the observance that troubles me- it's the lack of parallel observance, and the symbolic lack of loyalty to the country where I am actually a citizen. My other trouble is more theological.  This morning, the shatz said an El Malei Rahamim for fallen Israeli soldiers.  The text proclaimed that they were מסרו נפש על קידוש ה , and that's something that I just can't buy into.  Might some of them have indeed died as martyrs?  Possible.  However, I think martyrdom is both too specific and too dangerous a concept to go applying to any death that happens to be fighting for the State of Israel.  But then, I've never been comfortable with viewing modern Israel as an inherent step towards the coming of Moshiach, or as some miraculous re-establishment of the biblical kingdom.  I suppose one discomfort goes with the other.  Still, it made for a mildly shocking morning. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
9:24 pm	Just Me, Or...? Is it just me, or does the following say something about the theoretical status of the gid hanasheh of a dinosaur (ignoring, for the sake of humor, the fact that a dinosaur wouldn't be kosher anyways, and therefore since the gid hanasheh isn't considered part of the meat, eating it would be patur anyways):  I'm quoting in translation because I'm too lazy to type it in or go find it in Hebrew(and I'm supposed to be doing homework anyways). The prohibition against gid hanasheh does not apply with regard to a fow, because it does not have a [round] hip-socket.  Instead, its thigh is long [and flat].  If there is a fow whose thigh is shaped like that of the thigh of an animal, i.e. it has a hip-socket, its gid hanasheh is forbidden, but one is not iable for lashes because of it.  SImilarly, when there is an anima whose thigh is long like that of a fowl, its gid hanasheh is forbidden, but one is not liable for lashes for it.  I remember learning that dinosaurs have the same sorts of hip bones as birds...   (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
8:15 pm	A Religious Quibble   I just went to a Rabbis Without Borders dinner thing (Rabbis Without Borders being a CLAL project).  It was fascinating and infuriating, both.   This time (this is the first one I've gone to, but not the first they've done here) the main point was drawn from a piece of Moreh Nevuchim about how Torah has 2 purposes: 1. to teach correct beliefs, which R. Kula "translated" as being about understanding the meaning of life, and 2. to get along well with other people.  His big thing was that everything we do religiously needs to be understood as contributing to one or both of those two goals.  Left like that, it sounds like an interesting construction, and I am interested in playing with it, as a way of getting a new insight into mitzvot, and into how to talk about them.  However, he then tried to put love of G-d and awe of G-d into the role of things that need to fit into somewhere in that framework, where love of G-d is still something that supposed to fulfill a purpose.  And I had a huge problem with that, because I don't see how something can be real love if it is supposed to have a purpose of doing something for me.  Should love have side-effects that help me?  sure, of course.  But if that's the goal, then I don't see how it's actually love of an other- it's a love of self, and that's important- but calling love of self love of something Other is lying, and I don't see the use of that- in fact, I think that it's actively destructive.   So I talked about it with him afterwards a little bit, and his answer had to do with the experience of having that encounter with G-d, and with perceiving the self as either nearly non-existant or all-encompassing, which was lovely and inspirational, but it didn't connect to his original premise in a way that answered the issue.  I mean, it answered the issue of love of self being love of G-d, almost- except that while it provided a view for how the problem could be not a problem for people who can manage that feat, well, very few people do manage that feat right off the bat.  And even for them- how often can they really pull it off?  In the meantime, it leave people maybe finding meaning, and that's great- except that in that framework, I don't know how real love of G-d starts to get built, and if it doesn't get built, I don't know how the meaning lasts.  (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 17th, 2009
1:51 pm	Last Minute, But... It seems I'm doing a very last minute shabbos dinner.  Talk to me if you need/want plans. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 13th, 2009
1:47 pm	Wondering Who's Around I'm wondering who's around Manhattan for the last days of Pesakh, so I can figure out plans.  Anyone planning to be here? (3 Comments |Comment on this)